So I'm sitting in the Academic Technology Studio, and all that's going through my head right now is a combination of Taylor Swift's "Welcome To New York" and Beyonce's "Formation" (actually now that I've written that down, toss My Chemical Romance's "Welcome to the Black Parade").
It may seem kind of strange that I'm sitting here letting songs go through my head, but I have to just sit here. Because I'm waiting for the videos that I shot to download to the computer so I can edit them together in Premier. Which is one beautiful, sexy program. I love working with Premier. I've figured out how to make it do what I want it to do. (Now that I've written that down, it'll start acting up on me and I'll have to sweet talk my way back into it's good graces.)
I'm not really sure what I'm saying right now, really I just wanted to get a blog post on my blog; and yeah, it's not the Mac and Cheese blog post--IT'S COMING, I SWEAR. But it's something. It's a human post. There's been a few human posts on other student's blogs, so...why not mine? The truth is that I'm a writer. I love to write and tell story and I have a lot of thoughts and I like making people listen to them.
Correction. I like pretending that people like to hear my thoughts. Regardless, I have a lot of thoughts and it's nice to put them down. Even the awful judgement thoughts that I have and I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF THEM BECAUSE EVERYONE IS JUDGMENTAL. YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. And just because I'm judging you doesn't mean you should take me seriously. Not everyone has taste. Except for me. I have amazing taste. I'm like a goddamn designer chef with these tastebuds.
Sorry, my word vomit gets hella off-topic sometimes. (Also, by the way HELLA is HELLA A WORD. PARTY ON THE WEST COAST. WE SUCCEEDED IN MAKING A SLANG WORD HAPPEN. FETCH IS NEXT ON THE LIST.) Speaking of getting back on topic; "Welcome to New York" actually started playing while my iPad was on shuffle and then moved to "Formation. So that's nice. Thank you fate and chances and whatever else I should thank for randomness.
Brains are super weird. Do you ever get the urge to scream random things out of nowhere? Not like in a Tourette's way but in a like "BUSH DID 9/11" or "SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS A MANTIS SHRIMP WHICH IS MY FAVORITE SHRIMP NOT LIKE ANY OF YOU FUCKS CARE." Not that I've ever wanted to scream those things. Asking for a friend. More often than not I really want to scream things like "I HATE WHEN EVERYONE IS GIVING OUT COMPLIMENTS AND I DON'T GET ANY REAL ONES." or "I FAKE MY SELF-CONFIDENCE AND I ACTUALLY NEED A LOT OF ATTENTION." or "ONE TIME IN THIRD GRADE I PEED ON A DEAD RACCOON AND THE NEXT TIME MY MOM ASKED ME A QUESTION I CRIED AND BLAMED MY BEST FRIEND. SHE STILL DOESN'T KNOW WHY I CRIED OR WHY I WAS BLAMING HIM." Also, the nice thing about being humorous is that you don't know how much of this is real. And I'm not telling you. (Hint: Truth is stranger than fiction.) Sometimes I just want to scream. Continuously. And just scream and scream and scream.
I used to think maybe I was a banshee. I am partially psychic. One time I had a dream that my exe got hit by a car; but that's a story for another day. Anyways, so I used to think I was a banshee because sometimes I just get this overbearing urge to shriek and scream. And then like...someone would die, or get hurt. And my lizard brain would go "OOH. PATTERN. YOU CAUSED THIS. YOU COULD HAVE FORETOLD THIS." And fucked up!me would be like "Oh shit, lizard brain you're totally right, I'm horrible!" Anyways, I'm probably not really a banshee and I probably just have a lot of stress and tension that my brain would like to release in the form of a high drama fashion but the point is I used to think I was because I thought I had seen a pattern where there wasn't. It was bullshit.
Beyonce's line "you know that bitch when you call all this conversation," in 'Formation' is literally SO DELICIOUS and I LOVE IT because as a person of color (Chinese) I AM SO TIRED OF 'CONVERSATION.' I want action. I want to know that I'm safe on this campus and that harassment and racism is being stopped. I want to know that my other POC brothers and sisters are safe and even the POC that I don't claim as family are safe. But, I'm on a mostly white campus so, we only have conversation and we only do enough to ease the white guilt. Hey, I'm half-white. I half get it. (pst, guess which half is white? It's the left half.)
Growing up my mom and I used to watch Ghost Whisperer on CBS and I loved that shit. There's no story here. I just really loved a primetime supernatural soap opera starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. (Bruh, I wanted to BE Jennifer Love Hewitt/Melinda Gordon. This is probably where my fascination with firefighters and other men in uniform came from. I also wanted to have a business in this romanticized hipster gentrified small town. Man, I was GAYAF as a kid.)
Bruh, this file is taking forever and I have Phase 5! tonight. Why does the internet SUCK so bad sometimes? *cries dramatic tears of blood* Okay, so now "Warm Blood" by Carly Rae Jepsen from E•MO•TION is playing and it's literally SUCH a bop. I know, I know what you're thinking. "Carly Rae Jepsen? Isn't that the girl who wrote Call Me Maybe?" And yes. It is. And clearly, you should be able to tell from Call Me Maybe that E•MO•TION IS LITERALLY AMAZING. But if you didn't take Call Me Maybe seriously (which you should have), you need to talk E•MO•TION seriously. Think 90s Pop, but like written nowadays and like think fun pop music that makes you want to dance in your underwear but also get your underwear make-out grind on; and that's what you get with E•MO•TION. It's literally an album of super fun pop music that is unapologetically reminiscent of the 90s. (Another SUPER GOOD pop album is All I Need by Foxes.)
I STILL HAVE 7 GODDAMN MINUTES ON THIS DOWNLOAD AND I AM SO MAD. LITERAL MADNESS RIGHT NOW. LITERAL MADNESS. Or is it sadness? I don't even know anymore. Do you ever look at someone and just go...I want to bang you and make out with you? But you don't know why you want to bang and/or make out with them, because they aren't typically your type? And it's like is this Cornell Goggles am I desperate or am I actually attracted to you? And is it still actual attraction if it's based on either of these things? And then you're just like bruh how do I even GET THE DIGITS i don't KNOW HOW TO FLIRT i am a SMALL GAY who has never DONE THIS BEFORE because NOBODY EVER LIKES me and i don't mean like as in attraction i literally mean I REPULSE EVERY HUMAN BEING also i can totally do ONLINE HOOK-UPS but what ARE IRL FLIRTING AND TALKING LIKE and I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Educate me world! Teach me! This is me banging metaphorical pots together and screaming at the universe HELLO I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FLIRT AND HAVE IRL RELATIONS WITH MENFOLK SO IF YOU COULD SEND ME A FEW GAY/BI/?? GUYS THAT ARE ATTRACTED TO LUMPY DORKY WHASIANS FROM CALIFORNIA THAT WOULD BE GR9. also I have 3 FUCKIN minutes left on the download.
I am still waiting. w a i t i n g. whatever happened to "Party In The USA" Miley? Not that current Miley is bad and that she shouldn't do her own thing. She should be herself. But I wonder if there's an alternate universe where "PITU"!Miley was the real Miley and so she kept up doing pop crap like that. What would our world be like? What would life be like? Where would music be? Would Miley and Ke$ha have done something together? I miss Ke$ha. Like a lot. Ke$ha just wanted to make fun music that we could play at parties and get crunk to. Ke$ha made music that made dancing fun. She made music that was just happy. And fun.
AND MY DOWNLOAD IS DONE. halle-fucking-lujah.