Hard Decisions

The past two months I've been working on a devised production of a show called Those That Fall; a play about a small town in Iowa that is changed forever when the story of an 8-foot bat begins to circulate throughout the town and into the rest of the country. There are some blatant displays of racism and sexism and classism in the piece. And unfortunately, it's a timely piece, coming at a time when the school seems to need it the most.

The past week, pro-Trump supporters have gotten louder and began placing larger displays of his hateful dogma. And as a result, tensions on campus have elevated. Anti-Trump groups and groups of people of color, especially the Union Latinx group, have escalated efforts and the campus is a battleground of 'free speech vs hate speech' and how to make sure that diversity is encouraged--how to make Cornell a safe space for students of color. To top it all of, a group of students who were caught underage drinking and under the influence of marijuana (illegal and Iowa and normally punished severely) that were harassing a group of students of color and telling them to get back where they came from didn't face any repercussions publicly. As far as I know, they got off scot-free because they were student athletes. That doesn't make me feel safe. If student athletes are kept safe from repercussions, what's to stop them from getting ballsier and making more violent attacks. What if other students see this as a chance to fight back against 'liberal oppression.'

I'm not sure if I truly count as a person of color. Asian American are largely ignored when it comes to things. But we exist--and I'm technically and Asian American student. My father is Chinese. My mother, on the other hand is white. Which makes me a blend, a mixed race student--and that in and of itself is a whole other barrel of monkeys. But I do know that I don't feel safe on this campus as a nonbinary gay mixed Asian student. And working late nights at rehearsal and then walking back to me dorm, despite how close I live is scary.

Last night at rehearsal, the director, Janeve West, gave us the option to decide not to do the show. If there was too much at stake, if the flack that would come back to us was too much, we could end it here. And I'm sad to say that my first answer was "No, I don't want to do this show." It's not so much that I'm afraid of repercussions. Honestly, I don't think this is the show that will bring change. I don't think the person that need to see this show will see it. But I do know that I am very stressed right now. There's the natural block stress and the fact that devising is stressful. I can handle that. I knew that was coming. But I hadn't anticipated the stress of a campus where I feel unsafe to walk around at night; where I'm not sure I trust campus safety to protect me. And so I wanted to say "I can't do this show. Not right now. Not like this." But at the same time, I have family coming to see this show. This is my first mainstage show. And I can't be blacklisted as that guy who couldn't handle the stress of production. So I didn't say anything. I'm going to do this show. I already signed a contract.

A comment was made against me in the past that maybe I wasn't emotionally stable or capable of doing a hard or intense production. I am capable. Things are hard and I always power through them. I'm a goddamn fighter.